You Might Be A Redneck If . . .

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. . . you were acquitted for murdering your first wife after she threw out your Elvis 45’s.

. . . you think watching professional wrestling is foreplay.

. . . your front porch collapses and four dogs get killed.

. . . you no longer drink wine ever since the screw cap got caught up your nose.

. . . you think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

. . . that billboard that says, “Say No To Crack” reminds you to pull up your jeans.

. . . your wife’s hairdo was ever ruined by a ceiling fan.

. . . you go to your family reunions looking for a date.

. . . you think a Volvo is part of a woman’s anatomy.

. . . your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

. . . you’ve got more than three cousins named “Bubba”.

. . . you have an Elvis Jell-O mold.

. . . taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.

. . . you’ve got more than one other named “Darryl”.

. . . you ever won first prize in a tobacco spittin’ contest.

. . . on Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat.

. . . you’ve ever come home and found crime scene tape across your front porch.

. . . your favorite entree is Spam barbecued on the grill.

. . . your child’s first words were, “Attention K-Mart shoppers!”.

. . . your idea of high-quality entertainment is a six-pack and a bug-zapper.

. . . your whole family is Democrats except little Mary. She got to readin’.

. . . you think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are “Gentlemen, start your engines.”

. . . you kissed your own wife at midnight at the New Year’s Eve party.

. . . you’ve ever taken reading material into an airplane restroom.

. . . you’ve ever gotten an official letter of recognition from a tobacco or beer company.

. . . you vacuum the sheets instead of washing them.

. . . you’ve ever valet parked a snow plow.

. . . you’ve ever stood in line to have your picture made with a freak of nature.

. . . you break wind in public and blame it on your kid.

. . . you’ve ever had to siphon gas from your lawn mower to put into your truck.

. . . you’ve ever paid for a six-pack of beer with pennies.

. . . there are hubcap wind chimes anywhere on your block.

. . . you have a Bud Light pool-table light hanging over your dining room table.

. . . the strongest smell in your house is butane.

. . . you think paprika is a Third World country.

. . . you ask the preacher, “How’s it hanging?”

. . . you go to a stock car race and don’t need a program.

. . . you have a bumper sticker that says, “My mother’s an honor student” at the local junior high.

. . . you think potted meat on a saltine is an hors d’oeuvre.

. . . you played the banjo in your high school band.

. . . the velvet paintings in your house were bought from an art dealer on the side of the highway.

. . . you have no hubcaps on your car because you’re using them to feed your hunting dogs.

. . . you can’t visit relatives without getting mud on your tires.

. . . your mother doesn’t put shoes on to go grocery shopping.

. . . you’ve ever been blacklisted by a bowling alley.

. . . you honest-to-God think women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.

. . . anyone in your family has ever purchased peroxide in a gallon container.

. . . you don’t think baseball players spit and scratch too much.

. . . you’ve ever been to a wedding reception at the Waffle House.

. . . your dog has ever brought home something that you cooked for dinner.

. . . you owe a taxidermist more than your monthly income.

. . . you’ve ever caught bugs just so you could throw them in the bug zapper.

. . . you have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.

. . . you’ve ever hollered, “Rock the house, Bubba!” during a piano recital.

. . . your kids’ favorite bedtime story is “Curious George and the High Voltage Fence.”

. . . your watchband is wider than any book you’ve ever read.

. . . you know who is actually leading the Winston Cup series.

. . . you’ve ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions.

. . . your favorite beer company cannot afford to advertise.

. . . you’ve ever barbecued Spam on the grill.

. . . you time your belches to achieve a personal best.

. . . your new job promotion means that the company foots the bill to have your name sewn on your

shirts.

. . . the fountain at your wedding spewed beer instead of champagne.

. . . your favorite restaurant has the word “eats” anywhere in the name.

. . . there’s graffiti on the bathroom wall in your own house.

. . . you have grease under your toenails.

. . . your idea of a romantic evening is sharing the same spit cup with your girlfriend at a tractor pull.

. . . the most common phrase you hear at your family reunion is

“What the hell are you lookin’ at Diphead?”

. . . your best coon hound gets a birthday present and your wife doesn’t.

. . . your mother has more chest hair than your father.

. . . you think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.

. . . you think a manicure is some kind of French doctor.

. . . your mama saves aluminum foil.

. . . you have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.

. . . you clean your house with a water hose.

. . . during the wedding ceremony the minister said, “Do you, DeWayne, take Connie to be your old

lady?”

. . . the game warden knows the serial numbers to your guns by heart.

. . . you pawned your grandfather’s pocket watch because you needed beer money for the weekend.

. . . you took your coon dogs on your honeymoon.

. . . you drive across town to see a car wreck.

. . . it’s impossible to see food stains on the fabric of your work uniform.

. . . you think that anyone with ten fingers and toes is abnormal.

. . . you need one more hole punched in your card before you get a “freebie” at the House of Tattoos.

. . . you have a personal account of a UFO sighting.

. . . you think a hard drive is driving more than one hour.

. . . you’ve ever taken a generator and a 27-inch TV camping.

. . . you have ever made a frog-gigging spear.

. . . the last time you saw your daddy outside, he was picking up trash, chained to three other guys.

. . . your mother’s only shoes are house slippers.

. . . your sewage system consists of a pipe down a hillside.

. . . you wear knee-high stockings with a skirt.

. . . you follow the tractor pull circuit.

. . . you have more electronic equipment in your truck than in your house.

. . . your primary income involves pigs or manure.

. . . your best sofa came out of a Chevrolet.

. . . your favorite T-shirt is declared offensive in at least 13 states.

. . . you were expelled from summer school.

. . . you’ve ever been asked for your autograph at a rattlesnake roundup.

. . . you attend a parent-teacher conference wearing flip-flops.

. . . your baby’s crib mobile is made out of beer cans.

. . . you’ve ever been asked to leave Shoney’s all-you-can-eat breakfast.

. . . you have a grave in your yard.

. . . you’ve ever stolen toilet paper.

. . . you think the theory of relativity has something to do with inbreeding.

. . . your deceased hunting dog’s tombstone is larger than your grandfather’s.

. . . you wake up in the morning already dressed for work.

. . . you think the police can’t see you because your truck is painted camouflage.

. . . your car ashtray is so packed, you can’t get it out.

. . . you think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.

. . . you’re driving a vehicle with no original body parts.

. . . you quit your job because deer season’s fixin’ to start.

. . . your sister is the third generation of women in your family to conceive a baby due to an alien

abduction.

. . . you’ve ever gotten into a fist fight over a bowling score.

. . . you’re a member of the “Chaw of the Month Club.”

. . . your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.

. . . you’ve ever been hunting on a tractor.

. . . your yard has more than ten ceramic figurines.

. . . you think the ultimate beauty treatment is using Preparation-H to prevent wrinkles.

. . . you must go through more than 2 gates to get to your home.

. . . you’ve never seen a film with subtitles.

. . . you own a pair of cut-offs made from double-knit pants.

. . . you have to go outside to get something out of the fridge.

. . . you’ve ever talked back to characters on the movie screen.

. . . you won’t stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.

. . . your kids hide the Easter eggs under cow patties.

. . . your kids trip over the Christmas lights while hunting for Easter eggs.

. . . three-fourths of all the clothes you own have logos on them.

. . . when you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco

and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is how to lose them.

. . . your gene pool doesn’t have a “deep end.”

. . . you can’t marry your sweetheart because there is a law against it.

. . . you’ve ever laid rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

. . . getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.

. . . you dated your daddy’s current wife in high school.

. . . you’ve ever towed another car using panty hose and duct tape.

. . . your coat of arms features a tire iron.

. . . you own a denim leisure suit.

. . . you use Armor-All on your leather jacket.

. . . your spare tire is a cement block.

might be a redneck 8