You Might Be A Redneck If . . .

page 1 page 2 page 3 page 4 page 5 page 6 page 7 page 8

. . . the UFO hotline limits you to one call per day.

. . . your spring wardrobe mostly involves using scissors.

. . . your tires are worth more than your truck.

. . . you tried to claim “loss of teeth” as an exemption on your taxes.

. . . your daddy’s legacy is a gun rack and Jerry Clower’s autograph on a Stuckey’s napkin.

. . . you bought your best pair of shoes off the impulse rack by the register.

. . . you think beef jerky and Moon pies are two of the major food groups.

. . . you take out a home improvement loan to buy a new camper shell.

. . . you and six of your neighbors split a cable bill.

. . . Jack Daniel's makes your list of most admired people.

. . . you prefer car keys to Q-tips.

. . . you have a sign on your front door explaining house rules and liability.

. . . people don’t recognize your car without a dead animal on the hood.

. . . your mailbox holds up one end of your clothesline.

. . . you participate in a “Who can spit tobacco the farthest?” contest.

. . . you know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball cap.

. . . you’re not actually able to read The Richard Petty Story, but you do like to look at the pictures.

. . . you’ve ever had to appear in court because of your dogs.

. . . the front license plate of your car has the words “Foxy Lady” written in airbrush.

. . . your checks feature pictures of dogs fighting.

. . . any of your honeymoon plans involve a deer camp.

. . . all of your favorite shirts came with a two-pack purchase of cigarettes.

. . . you have a hook in your shower to hang your hat on.

. . . you have ever tried to use food stamps to mail a watermelon.

. . . you own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.

. . . you refer to your beer gut as “the old tool shed.”

. . . you’ve ever stolen a Neighborhood Watch sign to put in your yard.

. . . your boots cost more than your wedding ring.

. . . you’ve ever vacationed in a rest area.

. . . you always thought “Guns and Roses” was something you get for your anniversary.

. . . you proposed in a Denny’s.

. . . the passengers enter your vehicle through the driver’s-side door.

. . . you had to hitchhike on your honeymoon.

. . . you think “Chablis” is the name of last month’s Playboy centerfold.

. . . you save cooking grease in a coffee can.

. . . you inherited a Styrofoam cooler.

. . . there’s no cutoff age for sleeping with your parents.

. . . your doghouse and your living room both have the same shag carpet.

. . . you think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

. . . you’ve ever had to move a car seat to make love.

. . . you’re familiar with Copenhagen but have never heard of Denmark.

. . . your favorite restaurant has a gas pump in front of it.

. . . you think a stock tip is advice on wormin’ your hogs.

. . . you don’t have a home phone.

. . . you think “Ross Perot” is how your cousin Ross got out of jail early.

. . . you think “trash TV” is something in your backyard.

. . . stealing road signs is a family outing.

. . . you think a woman who is “out of your league” bowls on a different night.

. . . you’ve ever changed the numbers on your house so the police can’t find you.

. . . you have an above ground pool and you fish in it.

. . . your bathroom deodorizer is a box of kitchen matches.

. . . an expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall.

. . . you thing “megabytes” means a good day fishing.

. . . you’ve ever picked up a woman in a convenience store.

. . . you have more things with Hank Williams Jr.’s name on them than your own.

. . . you think a lavatory is a breed of dog.

. . . you’ve ever taken a date flowers you’ve stole from a cemetery.

. . . you’ve ever relieved yourself from a moving vehicle.

. . . you use old auto parts as a boat anchor.

. . . your pickup truck and wife are the same age.

. . . your favorite cologne is Deep Woods Off.

. . . you’ve ever given livestock as a wedding present.

. . . you think safe sex means putting on the emergency brake.

. . . people hear your car a long time before they see it.

. . . your 23-channel CB radio is used to communicate with your family.

. . . your bridal veil was made of window screen.

. . . you call your boss “dude.”

. . . you repaint your pink flamingo every spring . . . but not your house.

. . . you have ever carried leftovers home in your handbag.

. . . you think an oil change involves a comb and a bottle of Vitalis.

. . . you whistle to get the attention of your waiter or waitress.

. . . your college graduation ceremony includes parallel parking an 18-wheeler.

. . . you think ribs come from Europe.

. . . your toothbrush is a hand-me-down.

. . . the nearest liquor store is brewing in your basement.

. . . your Friday nights consist of lots of Budwieser and a mechanical bull.

. . . you have used a potato peeler to remove a corn.

. . . the Marlboro man is your idol.

. . . you see a sign that says “dip in road” and you stop to see what flavor it is.

. . . you think a canopy goes under the bed instead of over it.

. . . you’ve ever had a conversation about truck tires that lasted more than an hour.

. . . you’ve ever fished from over a fence.

. . . you have ever taken lawn furniture to a drive-in.

. . . your state senator is willingly photographed with no shirt and a leather vest on a

Harley, but refuses to take a Breathalyzer test.

. . . you think virgin wool comes from ugly sheep.

. . . you keep catfish in your aquarium.

. . . you think truffles are a brand of potato chips.

. . . you’ve ever bought a used cap.

. . . you know all the verses to the “Hee Haw” song.

. . . your car breaks down on the side of the road and you never go back to get it.

. . . your greatest accomplishment is the 10-pound turnip you grew.

. . . any of your hobbies require dogs and a lantern.

. . . you think people who have electricity are uppity.

. . . you know how to milk a goat.

. . . you’ve ever committed a crime with a lawn mower.

. . . your two best friends are named Skeeter and Possum.

. . . you’ve ever hollered, “You kids quit playin’ on that sheet metal.”

. . . your idea of water conservation is moving your Saturday night bath to every

other Saturday night.

. . . your idea of summer vacation is running through a sprinkler in the front yard.

. . . you’ve ever named a child for a good dog.

. . . there are four pairs of pants and two squirrels hanging from your clothesline.

. . . your local newspaper has a front-page feature called “Cow of the Week.”

. . . you don’t need a clean shirt to go to work.

. . . you bum a dip from your mother.

. . . you have the entire WWF slurpie cup collection proudly displayed on a shelf in your trailer.

. . . your favorite mixed drink includes Yoo-Hoo.

. . . you think “Hooked on Phonics” is a fishing show.

. . . you’ve ever attended a dance at the bus station.

. . . your guest bedroom is also your tool shed.

. . . you spend three days in line for Reba tickets.

. . . you can’t keep your cats out of your car at night because the interior smells like fried chicken.

. . . you think French onion dip is an exotic tobacco product.

. . . you drive more than thirty miles to save money on a pack of cigarettes.

. . . you spend most of your time in the laundromat so you can watch TV.

. . . grass is growing in the floor boards of your car.

. . . the highlight of your day is finding the prize in a Cracker Jack box.

. . . the auto junkyard calls you to get spare parts.

. . . you own a flamingo with buckshot holes in it.

. . . your third-grade class has a no-smoking section.

. . . your wife left you for last year’s winner of the hog-calling contest.

. . . your flashlight holds more than four batteries.

. . . it took the smartest kid in your 6th-grade class three times to pass his driving test.

might be a redneck 5