You Might Be A Redneck If . . .

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. . . your divorce granted from first wife and your license to wed to your second wife

are in the same newspaper.

. . . your girlfriend thinks you're a real gentleman because you only scratch your

crotch while playing softball.

. . . you stop picking your nose in traffic long enough to wink at the girl next to you.

. . . you found your wife's christmas present along side the road.

. . . you think the Roman Empire has somthing to do with a cell phone.

. . . your mother kicked you out of the house because you pawned her favorite

chainsaw to buy a deer tag.

. . . you have to keep a step ladder handy to open your truck door for your girlfrend.

. . . you ever been rushed to the emergency room because you swallowed your redman.

. . . your daughter gets married before you do.

. . . when finally mowing your lawn, you find an engine block you didn't know was there.

. . . you have the bail bondsman on speed dial.

. . . you think the "Nutcracker" is something you do on the diving board.

. . . your excuse for missing your oldest sons grauation is, "Hell woman, you think the

crappie bite like this all year?"

. . . you hear somone mention the depression and you think they are talking about

when Bubba's Market ran out of Skoal.

. . . you just hate getting strip searched by the guard every time you go visit your cousin Bubba.

. . . you've ever asked an Amish guy on a horse and buggy if he thought he could out run your John

Deer.

. . . you've ever asked a priest why he's wearing that sissy turtleneck.

. . . your favorite event at a wedding is the spittin' contest.

. . . your momma makes two turkeys for Thanksgiving, one for the family and the other for the dogs.

. . . you have to camofladge your best crops when a helicopter flies over.

. . . your mother always said keep your nose clean and from this day on you pick your nose.

. . . you cook perogies in beer.

. . . you and your best friend paint flames on your car and it looks better.

. . . you've ever returned bottles so you could buy beer with the deposit money.

. . . your ashtray is too full, so you use the floor.

. . . you use a gas can to fill up your pick up truck.

. . . you use dental floss to restring your banjo.

. . . you have a trophy from a tractor pull.

. . . your favorite song has the name of a truck company in it.

. . . you have to climb the town's water tower to save your sister's honor.

. . . you and your dad walk to school together because you are in the same grade.

. . . your dad plays "the pull my finger" joke at family gatherings.

. . . you have more deer heads on your wall than family portraits.

. . . you go to a bar to cheer on your mother in mud wrestling.

. . . your pillow case doubles as your bowling bag.

. . . you keep your fingernails long to open you snuff can.

. . . you think the internet is something you use fishing.

. . . you have more insurance on your hunting dog than you do on your house.

. . . when someone asks to see your kids you show them the goats.

. . . you have to take out a loan to pay off the tire store.

. . . you ever shot a deer with a tater gun.

. . . you have ever worn camo to a funeral.

. . . your idea of home security is keeping all the guns loaded.

. . . you have ever been too drunk to fish.

. . . you're at a family reunion and you wear a shirt that says,"I'm related to you!!!"

. . . your belt buckle doubles as an I.D.

. . . you bum a smoke from your third grade kid.

. . . you know which leaf is best to use when you're out of toilet paper.

. . . when you brought your baby home, it slept in a dresser drawer.

. . . your halloween jack-o-lantern has more teeth than your wife.

. . . you are the youngest in the family and the first to graduate.

. . . your neighbors refer to you as the pig farmers and you don't have any pigs.

. . . you play pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey and get four teeth kicked out.

. . . you think think the phrase "chicken out" means one of your pets has escaped.

. . . you refer to your wife and mother-in-law as "dual air bags."

. . . you've had a custody fight over a hunting dog.

. . . you burn your lawn instead of mowing it.

. . . you bring a video camera to a funeral.

. . . you have ever mowed the grass and found a car.

. . . you have more than 3 family members by the name of Billy Bob.

. . . you swallow a minnow just to impress the lady cashier at the local bait shop.

. . . you flick rubber bands at cock roaches.

. . . you wait all night to shoot one mouse with your grandma's BB gun.

. . . you take your car to the repair shop to have the donut tires rotated.

. . . you make change in the offering plate.

. . . you can recite your vowels in one burp.

. . . you practice your cow chip throwing techniques while they're still fresh.

. . . you take a bag to an All-You-Can-Eat bar.

. . . you use your native language, to cuss at your kids, to cover up the fact that you are a redneck in

your native country.

. . . your favorite stick is your fishing pole.

. . . your favorite shoes were bought at a yard sale

. . . your bathroom is your favorite make-out place.

. . . none of these jokes are making sense to you.

. . . you use your weed whacker as a toothpick.

. . . your wreath is made out of beer cans.

. . . you use duct tape as bikini wax.

. . . you learned the alphabet by eating Cambpell's alapahbet soup.

. . . your engine is duct-taped to your car.

. . . your outhouse is in your front yard.

. . . you wear your Mom's dress that she wore at her funeral.

. . . you clean your toilet with the tooth brush that you use every day.

. . . you have sheep in your backyard because they never, ever tell.

. . . your favorite song is --------Old McDonald!!!!!

. . . your toilet seat says "Sit Here".

. . . when you were younger you sold fresh, cold pee as ice-cold lemonade.

. . . PMS stands for "Parent Medical System."

. . . you bathe your cat in the toilet.

. . . you use your shower curtain as your Prom dress.

. . . you use your shoe as a tobacco can.

. . . you use your water gun as a shower sprayer.

. . . you use your boxers as a surrender flag.

. . . your trasportaion is your boat.

. . . your favorite place is your deerstand.

. . . you think dingle berries are a fruit.

. . . you strung Christmas lights on an old truck parked in your yard.

. . . you give your best bud a carton of cigarrettes as a wedding gift.

. . . the tailgate on your truck is also your lawn furniture.

. . . your at a family reuniuon, your mother-in-law goes to the bathroom and then says, "Y'all come

look at this 'fore I flush it."

might be a redneck 7