You Might Be A Redneck If . . .

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. . . your computer don't work cuz the cat ate the mouse.

. . . you're having sex with your wife and she tells you, "That tickles."

. . . you think a lava lamp is erotic.

. . . your bathroom is 50 feet away from your house.

. . . your husband is going out huntin' and puts on urine and it turns you on.

. . . you think a date is going out mooning people.

. . . you took your sister/brother to the prom.

. . . you think dressing up is putting on all your cammo.

. . . you keep all your guns in a fire-proof locked safe and everything else out in the open.

. . . you have a bumper sticker that says, "Kiss the crack below my back."

. . . your idea of camping in the woods is inviting the family over and pitching a couple of tents in the

back yard.

. . . you have to watch for cow patties when you play golf.

. . . your lawn tractor has a better paint job than your car.

. . . your lawn mower is a goat.

. . . you can eat an ear of corn and spell "Home Sweet Home" on it.

. . . you base the purchase of a refrigerator on how many cases of beer it holds.

. . . your children look more like your brothers-in-law than your husband you are worried that he

might notice.

. . . you make your dogs sleep on top of the house in the rain because you can't afford to patch the

roof.

. . . you go to a drive through the person at the window asks you to shut off your engine

because it's too loud.

. . . you go to a drive through you have to open your door because your window hasn't rolled

down in 5 years.

. . . you get turned on when your wife/girlfriend shoots an armadillo.

. . . your daughter thinks she a reincarnation of Xena because she has nightmares about her.

. . . you tell everyone your wife is the reincarnation of Ares, the god of war.

. . . you buy your wife camouflage lingerie.

. . . you borrow a sleeveless T-shirt from your Mom.

. . . your living room furniture doubles as your camping gear.

. . . you have to steal your neighbor's paper to see what the date is or you are out of toilet paper.

. . . you can grunt like a deer and you are proud of it.

. . . you tell your wife to squeal like a pig to start foreplay.

. . . when you think of the planet Saturn you think of your mother-in-law at the same time.

. . . your way of seeing if you need to bathe is by sticking your hand between your butt

cheeks and smelling it.

. . . you rake your carpet because the sweeper motor is being used for your truck.

. . . you have a working television on top of a broken one.

. . . the gazebo in your yard is bigger than your trailer.

. . . you have a pallet in your yard with tires stacked on it.

. . . your garage is so full you can't park your car in it.

. . . you spent more money on a souvenir Clint Black shirt, than on your whole wardrobe.

. . . you have two pairs of jeans, and six pairs of boots.

. . . your front yard has any broken appliances in it.

. . . you have gotten a warning to remove vehicles from your own back yard.

. . . you ever say "oh yeah I can fix it".

. . . your favorite night of the week is the night before trash day.

. . . your truck has any bondo on it.

. . . your car has more than three bumper stickers with the word jesus on them.

. . . there is bungee cord holding your bumper on to your car.

. . . no matter how you clean your hands, the dirt under your nails won't come off.

. . . you think that duct tape works better than spot welding.

. . . you go to strip joints for family reunions.

. . . you re-use dental floss to save money.

. . . you can't work on Thursday night or you'll miss smack-down.

. . . you won't get your dog "fixed" because you never no when someone might want him to stud.

. . . Friday night is "sneak into the drive-in night".

. . . you have an air-conditioner on your front porch.

. . . you slam your truck's door and your 12 gauge makes a new sun roof.

. . . you have stuffed heads from the following: deer, a moose, a mallard, a Siamese cat,

a largemouth bass, and your mother-in-law.

. . . that white tailed deer is being paid 10 bucks an hour to stand on a ladder behind

your wall and stick his head in.

. . . your dad pees on a rabbit's head while peeing off the back porch.

. . . your dogs kill more animals than you do all hunting season.

. . . you and your son compete for the only single gal in town with all her teeth.

. . . you watch Jerry Springer to see if any of your relatives are on the show today.

. . . your table cloth is a bed sheet.

. . . your whole wardrobe is work boots, camouflage pants, a plaid flannel shirt, and a John Deere hat.

. . . the landscaping in your front yard is broken down cars.

. . . you drive your tractor along the high way.

. . . your family reunions consist of ex-wives.

. . . you need a truck to move your barbecue.

. . . your toenails stick out the end of your tennis shoes.

. . . you let your 12 year old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

. . . you have 10 cars in your front yard and only once of them isn't on blocks and the engine works.

. . . you take a six-pack cooler to church.

. . . you bum a pinch of chew from your girlfriend.

. . . you have a sign hanging in your living room that says "We interrupt this marriage

to bring you deer season"

. . . you look both ways before crossing a one way street.

. . . you drive through your car port to park your blue Pinto in the backyard.

. . . your birthday cake consisted of nothing but Twinkies.

. . . you shave your beard and find a french fry.

. . . you have ever asked your dad for the keys to his Mack.

. . . you can entertain yourself for more then an hour with a fly swatter.

. . . your truck is stolen and sold by your mother to buy beer and Copenhagen.

. . . your CB antenna on your truck doubles as your cane pole.

. . . you tip the waiter with change.

. . . your honeymoon was featured on true stories of the highway patrol.

. . . you think 401k is your mother-in-law's bra size.

. . . instead of buying your girlfriend candy and flowers, you spray paint her name on an overpass.

. . . you think 2 Pac Shakur is a Jewish holiday.

. . . your local yellow pages has only 3 sections: places to get cigarettes, place to

get liquor, and places to get bait.

. . . the library in your city ran out of the book "The ABC's of Belching".

. . . the seats in your car are also your living room furniture.

. . . you had to buy an 18-Wheeler for family vacations.

. . . you have a Rebel flag in your front yard!

. . . you have your T.V. on top of empty beer cans and call it recycling.

. . . your dishwasher consists of kids that you baby-sit.

. . . you think that the apple com-pu-ter is the latest in new fangled tech-o-nol-o-gee.

. . . the newspaper (the business) is the community toilet paper.

. . . the town policeman stops by so much, you know his 5th grade GPA.

. . . your airplane cost you less than 15 hundred bucks and uses two stroke oil.

might be a redneck 6