You Might Be A Redneck If . . .

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. . . your father is in the same grade you are.

. . . the best 5 years of your life were in the second grade.

. . . your richest relative invites you over to take the wheels off his new trailer.

. . . you're on your third marriage and still have the same in-laws.

. . . your 14 year old daughter smokes at the dinner table - in front of her two kids.

. . . on the 4th of July you spend it at the waffle house beside a drunk while waiting to

get your pastor out of jail (true story).

. . . a full tank of gas doubles the value of your truck.

. . . you win the lottery and buy a double wide trailer.

. . . your wife is so ugly you take her everywhere you go so you never have to kiss her good-bye.

. . . you have to use a ladder to get in your truck.

. . . you ever fly a kite with a fishing pole.

. . . you wear flannel shirts no matter what season it is.

. . . you have more than 5 fast food bags in your car.

. . . Rocky Top is your favorite song.

. . . you cut your wedding cake with a chain saw.

. . . you cut your toenails in front of company.

. . . a woman says she’s game, so you shoot her.

. . . your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.

. . . you ask for the honeymoon suite at the Motel 6.

. . . you hear a siren and your first instinct is to hide.

. . . you use a bedsheet as a sofa cover.

. . . you use the shaving cream made for tough beards . . . and so does your husband.

. . . you regularly see kinfolks on “America’s Most Wanted.”

. . . you refuse to slide in softball because you don’t want to crush your cigarettes.

. . . the emergency room nurse knows everyone in your family by name.

. . . your car has more than two exhaust pipes.

. . . people come to your door mistakenly thinking you have an auto salvage business.

. . . your house plants aren’t in pots.

. . . you think the stock market has a fence around it.

. . . you wear a tank top to your mother’s funeral.

. . . your front yard looks like a Toys R Us after a tornado.

. . . you think a chain saw is a musical instrument.

. . . everything you won at the fair is hanging from your rearview mirror.

. . . you’ve ever accepted an invitation written on a bathroom wall.

. . . making beer is a neighborhood project.

. . . you clean your fingernails with a stick.

. . . you’ve ever gotten in fist fight in a laundromat over a dryer.

. . . there is a restraining order on your pets.

. . . you secretly get your firewood from your neighbor’s yard.

. . . you wipe your feet before you walk out of your house.

. . . your 5-year-old can rebuild a carburetor.

. . . your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

. . . you take a nap with at least one hand tucked inside your pants.

. . . your best jacket has an advertisement on the back of it.

. . . your car insurance deductible is higher than the value of your car.

. . . in preparation for your upcoming wedding, your register your Tupperware pattern.

. . . you are famous for your impression of a dog choking on a chicken bone.

. . . you consider tattooing a do-it-yourself job.

. . . one of your fantasies involves a bulldozer.

. . . your wife’s best shoes have steel toes.

. . . your picture is on the wall of more than three bait stores.

. . . your favorite NASCAR souvenir is the result of a wreck.

. . . you buy a police scanner to keep up with your relatives.

. . . you’ve ever used a laundromat as a mailing address.

. . . you’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

. . . your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.

. . . you’ve ever gotten carbon monoxide poisoning while driving your vehicle.

. . . your screen door has no screen.

. . . there are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets.

. . . the receptionist is responsible for checking the rat traps at your place of business.

. . . your family reunion is sponsored by a beer company.

. . . your church has a “happy hour.”

. . . you’ve ever shot someone over a mall parking space.

. . . there is trophy in your house with the word “spitting” on it.

. . . you open beer bottles with your belt buckle.

. . . you’ve ever filled your deer tag on a golf course.

. . . you tell Grandpa he has something in his teeth and he takes them out to see.

. . . you use the “O” on the stop sign in front of your house to sight in your new rifle.

. . . you punish your children by taking away their chewing tobacco.

. . . you think every bottle of wine comes with a screw cap.

. . . you wear your softball uniform even on the days you’re not playing.

. . . your pickup truck used to be a car.

. . . your favorite fishing lure is TNT.

. . . your dates regularly expect you to light their cigars.

. . . you stockpile pork and beans.

. . . your daddy handed out cigarettes the day you were born.

. . . you use baling wire to keep your car door closed.

. . . your mom is lighting bottle rockets with her cigarette while walking the children on Halloween.

. . . you’ve ever lost your wife in a poker game.

. . . your house feels a bit lonely when winter comes and the last fly dies.

. . . you send your kid in for treatment because you think he’s hooked on phonics.

. . . the air freshener hanging in your car lost its scent more than 5 years ago.

. . . there are more than 5 animals sleeping in your bed.

. . . your best pick-up line for women is written on your baseball cap.

. . . you had a receding hairline in the 6th grade.

. . . you think “social consciousness” means how well you can hold your liquor.

. . . you spit on your own floor.

. . . your bring a bar of soap to a public pool.

. . . you keep a pellet gun by the front door.

. . . you’ve ever participated in a burp-off.

. . . you’ve ever heckled during a eulogy.

. . . your wife puts Bean-O on everything you eat.

. . . your dog rides in the front seat and your kids ride in the back.

. . . you taught your children how to play “Pull My Finger.”

. . . you own half a pickup truck.

. . . the church social committee is afraid to meet at your house.

. . . you own a trophy that includes the words “cow chip toss” on it.

. . . you’ve ever made love on a tire swing.

. . . the first question your mother asks upon checking into the motel is,

“Where’s the nearest liquor store?”

. . . you show strangers your war wound.

. . . your mailing address includes the word “holler.”

. . . the Salvation Army comes to your house and takes the wrong furniture.

. . . there are antlers nailed to the outside of your house.

. . . you fill up the bathtub just to test out a fishing lure.

. . . your Thanksgiving centerpiece has ever been prepared by a taxidermist.

. . . you own every Box Car Willie album.

. . . you refer to your dog as your youngest.

. . . you select a date’s corsage to match her tattoo.

. . . you’re over 30 and still giving other people “wedgies.”

. . . you have three first names.

. . . turning on your lights involves pulling a string.

. . . you’ve ever water-skied in your underwear.

. . . you throw a beer can out the truck window and your wife shoots it.

. . . your garbage man is confused about what stays and what goes.

. . . the hood of your truck is higher than the roof of your house.

. . . you think a dashboard is the best place to keep your hats.

. . . for your first anniversary you take your wife to dinner at the Wal-mart snack bar.

. . . you’ve ever slow danced at a Waffle House.

. . . you videotape fishing shows.

. . . you’ve ever had sex while wearing work gloves.

. . . there is more carpet on your toilet than on your floors.

. . . your wedding toast was made with a quart of Old Milwaukee.

. . . you hang pickled eggs and pop-tops from your Christmas tree.

. . . your chili’s secret ingredient comes from a bait shop.

. . . someone asks, “Where’s your bowling bag?” and you answer, “She’s at home with the kids.”

. . . your masseuse uses lard.

. . . your family’s #1 enemy is revenuers.

. . . your Christmas tree has a deer stand in it.

. . . when describing your kids, you use the phrase “dumb as a brick.”

. . . your favorite cap says, “Babymaker.”

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