| The
BSorNOT Research Institute recently completed a 24 hour
study on the effects suffered by Rednecks who include white
bread in their daily diet and we are proud to present the
findings here:
1. More than 98 percent
of the Redneck population are suspected white bread users.
2. Fully HALF of all Redneck
children who are raised in white bread -consuming households
score below average in standardized testing.
3. In Redneck homes where
the white bread is home made, average Redneck life expectancy
was less than 50 years; Redneck infant mortality rates
were unacceptably high; many Redneck mothers died in childbirth;
and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza
ravaged the Redneck nation.
4. More than 90 percent
of all Redneck crimes were committed within 24 hours after
having eaten an undisclosed amount of white bread.
5. White
bread is made from a yeast based substance called "dough." It
has been proven that as little as one pound of white bread
dough can be used to suffocate a southern
rat. The average
adult Redneck can eat two or more pounds of white bread
every month!
6. Societies
that do not consume white bread typically exhibit a low
incidence of trashy yards, Alzheimer's, four
wheel drive camaro’s,
mullet hair styles, wife beating, drunken behavior, and
osteoporosis.
7. White bread has been
proven to be very addictive to the average Redneck. Rednecks
who normally consumed white bread for more than one year
and then deprived of it and given only water, begged for
white bread after as little as two days.
8. White
bread is considered to be a "gateway" food item, often leading Rednecks
to "harder" items such as peanut butter, jelly,
and even cold cuts.
9. White bread has been
proven to absorb massive amounts of water. Since the human
body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating
white bread can lead to overweight
Rednecks. Excessive
consumption of white bread has been known to transform
even the most typical Redneck into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding
shell of a person.
10. Newborn and juvenile
Rednecks have been known to choke while eating white bread.
11. White bread is baked
at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That
kind of heat can kill a Redneck in less than one minute.
12. Most Redneck bread
eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant
scientific fact and meaningless statistical babble.
In light of these frightening
statistics, it has been proposed that the following white
bread restrictions be made:
- No sale of white bread
to juvenile Rednecks and restrict pregnant Redneck women
from eating it.
- A nationwide "Just
Say No" anti white bread campaign, complete with
celebrity TV spots, bumper stickers and “am radio” spots.
- A 300 percent federal
tax on all white bread sales to pay for all the societal
ills associated with bread consumption.
- No animal or human
images and a restriction on primary colors (which may
appeal to Redneck children) may be used in white bread
advertising.
- Establish "Bread-free" zones
around Redneck
schools, and aftermarket auto parts stores.
This article was written
by B.S. Wheatberry in a desert after consuming mass quantities
of yeast bread then realizing his canteen was empty.
More, obvious notions to ponder
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